So, the time has come again. Time to wave a solemn goodbye to what will forever live in my memory under the title:
2006: The Year That Sucked Only Slightly Less Than 2005
So, let’s get this embarrassment over with. Rather than break it down by month, I’ll just give you a rundown of all the general themes that have defined my life as it has been this year.
The Year of Insomnia - It began in January, subsided a bit somewhere near the middle of the year, and lately has been back with a vengeance. It has caused me to be very irritable, very tired, very unenthusiastic and unenergetic about anything, and has probably been one of the key factors in the deterioration of several relationships.
Anti-depressants - Tried the Lexapro thing. I was exhausted and numb all day and then couldn’t sleep at night. Turns out this drug for depression and anxiety also causes insomnia. Which, as we’ve just learned, I didn’t need any help with. So basically, I was just too fucking tired to be depressed or anxious. This stint lasted a couple of months before they had to go away.
Romance - Oooooooooh lord a-mercy. This chapter could go on for days. February 20, 2006, I started what could possibly be the most insane, intense relationship of my life. Details will be ommitted to protect innocent parties. Oh wait. . . there *are* no innocent parties in this case. I’ve never felt a greater variety of emotions, or such intense emotions, for someone as I have felt for him. It may be wrong, but for better or worse, he’s the face in my mind, the voice in my ear, the itch in my heart. And it’s taken me all year to just accept that that’s where he’s going to be. For many years to come. In spite of that (or because of it, more likely), this has been the most active dating year I’ve had in my entire life. I’ve gone out with a lot of guys, learned a lot about what I want in a relationship, and most importantly, learned more about who I am and the kind of partner I want to be and want to have. Some of these relationships have ended well, and some have ended rather badly. Either way, I’m a better and stronger person as a result of them. And with that in mind, it’s finally easy for me to accept being alone and to be strong and stand up for what I want, not to be pushed into something I don’t want just because it’s better than nothing.
Career - In March, I finally embarked on a full-time career with Humana. I quickly learned that it was a lot more daunting than I thought it would be, and that I’m not a workaholic and never will be one. Still, I’ve enjoyed my job thus far, in spite of a few snags here and there with bosses, co-workers, and the like. In addition to this, I’ve also embarked on a rather fascinating journey with my best friend in opening a nonprofit organization called Help The Ville. This organization is the culmination of years of hopes and dreams, and with any luck we can change lives just as ours have been changed by our own experiences. It’s really taking off beyond our control. It’s like having a child - it’s so exciting to see what’s going to happen next, watching it grow and come into its own. The second of my lifelong dreams, coming true before my very eyes.
Spirituality - I began a journey to find God this year. It took a man I respected, adored, and admired months of witnessing and answering my endless questions patiently to get me to even consider the idea. I came pretty close, too. I began praying, began taking situations that I normally would have stressed myself out over, and giving them to the “hands of God.” And I found some peace for a while. I found some comfort. But in the end, without his constant guidance, I have regressed too far now. Closer now to from whence I came than to where I was going. Still, no one has been so kind and patient with me or believed in me more. Not for anything, in my whole life. I can only hope he knows how much that meant to me.
Friends - Oh, my, what a year on the friend front! Some have come, some have gone. One got married and moved to another continent. One had a cancer scare. There were ghost hunting trips, separations, divorces, moving, trips to the cemetery in the middle of the night, sugar and salt fights in an empty office building around 2:00 am, and the list goes on. There have been fights - LOTS of fights - but when it comes down to it, my best friends are one of the most important things in the world to me. I know we’ll fight in 2007 too. With running a business together with one, there may even be punches thrown. It’s possible. But I will love them all forever and ever. No matter how pissed off I am or how far away they are.
Family - I have grown closer to my family this year with my brother’s custody battle, but there have been new strains added to the family ties as well. One can only take so much emotional battery before one just snaps. Holidays and birthdays of course were mired with angst and tension. In the end, all that matters is Alex and his well-being. And for now, I am content.
Alcohol - I started drinking this year. In January. Quit completely in October. Granted, it was fun for a while. But the thing is, it’s too expensive and just makes me feel like I just woke up with really bad gas. Watching other people drink, though, is still loads of fun.
Guilt - Over everything. Relationships, fornication, eating, diets, money, work, you name it. I am happy to announce, however, that as of today I have all but eradicated guilt from my emotional vocabulary. I’ve never felt better. Not feeling guilty for loving him, not feeling guilty for taking time to myself, not feeling guilty for saying “no.” It’s very nice; highly recommend.
Loving myself - This is really the first year I’ve really loved who I am. Even the parts I don’t particularly love, I’ve finally accepted and am finally comfortable with. There’s a freedom and comfort in that kind of confidence (even if others don’t see it for what it is) that just puts a knowing smile in your heart when you see young girls trying so hard to be just like everyone else. Finally content with myself, I finally know what I want. This, I believe, is the difference between girls and women. I’m not frilly, I’m not especially ladylike all the time, though I can be, I’m cynical and a bit rough around the edges. And I like me this way. I understand that sometimes I need to reign it in a bit, but I am not, nor will I ever be, malleable. I cannot be molded into a little clone of your one true love. Loving me means loving me just the way I am. If you can’t do that, don’t.
Money - I’ve been busting my ass all year to get out of debt. I’m only a wee bit closer than I was in January, but hey. . . that’s a wee that I wasn’t. Due to unforseen events (covered next) beyond my control, my finances got a little out of whack towards the end of the year, but they’re getting back on track. Basically, at this point, I NEVER have money. If you ask me at any given moment “Do you have a dollar?” chances are I’ll say no. And it’s not because, euphemistically, I don’t have a dollar, it’s because I DON’T HAVE A DOLLAR. TO MY NAME. I have NEGATIVE dollars! YOU give ME a dollar!
Moving - Lori moved. Jenn moved. Couple of other friends moved. I moved. My roommate moved back in with her parents, leaving me the task of either a) finding another one or b) moving also. So began the Find-a-Roommate Saga of 2006. Two potential roommates (guys) both decided to move in (separate occurrences) and both ditched me at the last minute. So, with Nicole moving at the end of September, I sat out in the middle of September to find a new place. Finally found one and was left holding the bag for $1,250 payable to Knobs Pointe for breaking my lease. As if this were ALL MY FAULT and I had this planned all along. Fortunately, they seem to have forgotten that I never paid it. Hmm. . . So now, Fancy and I are safely (?) ensconced in a tiny apartment in
Louisville that makes some of the weirdest noises I have ever heard.
Selfishness - It’s been a very selfish year for me. I’ve focused a lot on my life, mostly out of necessity but sometimes out of plain old fashioned spite. I needed to get my life in order, get the mess straightened up after 2005. But I only managed to push the dirt around a little. I don’t do resolutions, but I guess in 2007, I need to try to maintain a better balance there.
Loneliness - Every time I turn around, I realize I’m very lonely. I sit in my apartment alone, I sit at my desk alone, I go shopping alone and fold laundry alone and watch movies alone. This has driven my desire for a meaningful relationship, some kind of companionship. Human interaction. Someone to touch me every once in a while. Anything but lonely. Anything but empty rooms.
Anyway, that’s pretty much a rundown of my year. It’s been a heller. I can’t wait to ring in 2007. While I look forward to starting over, I also remember how much I looked forward to 2006, so I’m remaining only cautiously optimistic. Perhaps I will make a few resolutions this year. Perhaps I’ll sing Auld Lang Syne alone in the car, too. Then again, perhaps monkeys will fly out of my ass.
2007 is going to be my year. Annee’ De Lesil. I can feel it already.Welcome. I greet you with open arms.
