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Lesil’s Unintentionally Hilarious Quote of the Week

Setting: Fourth Street Live Food Court, lunch hour

Topic: HR people who leave HR to go into the business, but come back within six months

Fellow HR associate: “Like Associate X. Who didn’t see that one coming?”

Me: “Yeah, stick with what you’re good at. If you’re good at sucking balls, maybe you just focus on sucking balls.”

Fellow HR associate: “Wow.”

Living the Dream

The title of this post keeps running through my head. It’s been my standard answer to many a perfunctory “How are you?” over the years, but it seems more true than ever lately.

I got an incredibly unexpected pay increase this morning at work. I haven’t stopped smiling since.

I can’t imagine how my life could be much better. I’m sure it could be, but for now, I have more than anyone could ask for. My health is good and only getting better, I have a good job (even if it’s not what everyone dreams of) making good money, and better money as of 11:00 am this morning. I have my family and my friends. I have an exciting new romance that shows tons of promise and gives me butterflies. Making ends meet, getting by, if not ahead. I have my cat. Life is fantastic.

Of course, that means something has to go wrong soon. I just hope it’s small, like my car breaking down or losing my debit card.

But sitting here, with the windows open taking in some of this wonderful Kentucky pre-autumn air, letting the breeze drift over my skin still damp from an incredible swim, I don’t want to think about that right now. I want to smile, and feel my heart skip a beat every time my phone beeps, and listen to the world outside the window. I want to revel in a perfect ending to a perfect day.

In My Daddy’s World

This song by Trisha Yearwood came on my iPod a minute ago. I keep my iPod on at work to cut out the taptaptap of everyone’s keyboards and random telephone chatter and email alarms and copy machine ruckus. I rarely pay rapt attention to what’s playing. However, today, this song struck a chord with me.

This morning, I went about my usual routine. I woke up (late), showered, ate breakfast, donned my favorite pinstriped suit and capable, crisp white shirt, strapped on my pumps, kissed my cat and left for work. I strolled to my desk at around 9:30 am; just enough time to fire up my computer, log in and answer some email and voice messages before heading to a meeting at 10:00. Immediately following meeting was a group lunch at 11:30. My peers and I strolled the familiar blocks of Louisville to our favorite restaurant in our business professional garb, held conversations about work for a while, then broke into fun and laughter when it got too heavy. After lunch, I returned to work and produced a highly-polished and thorough report on women in leadership, discussed the necessary criteria in the hallway with a colleague.

It rarely occurs to me that I’m an adult. An American Girl. Trying to make it in a man’s world. I still feel like a child most times. I feel a sense of responsibility, but I like to go out and watch stupid movies. I wear shorts and flipflops with a Snape t-shirt, I dress up for Harry Potter releases. I blog. I let my apartment get way too messy before I clean it. I sing in the car and laugh at fart jokes.

Then I put on an uber-professional mask that feels uber-fake and shake hands with directors who make three thousand times what I make per year. I run reports and build presentations, maintain databases and attend meetings. Sometimes I feel like I fit into corporate America like one o’them square pegs.

But when I heard X’s and O’s today, it occured to me that this is what it’s about. We do what we have to do to make it in this world. Fix the sink. Mow the yard. Really isn’t all that hard. We wear the suit, we go to meetings, but that’s not who we are. We do it to survive. We do it because of, not in spite of, the lyrics of another of my favorite songs:

I’m young, and I love to be young
I’m free, and I love to be free
To live my life the way that I want
To say and do whatever I please
You don’t own me

Wellness Account

Unbeknownst to me, because I don’t tend to get involved in such things, my workplace offers a program to reimburse us associates for doing healthy stuff. That is, by doing certain things, like taking an assessment or joining a program, we can earn credits. Each credit equals one dollar, and as we accrue credit, we can be reimbursed for gym fees, vitamins, weight loss program fees, smoking cessation program fees, etc. Pretty cool. So today I enrolled in the weight management program (I’m so getting reimbursed for my Jazzercise fees and membership at MTM).  Anyway, part of the “personalized” plan that the program put together for me includes spending a week really thinking about my weight, fitness, and health by answering these questions.  I say to hell with it, I’ll do it all now. 

Day 1: My Relationship with Food “For me, food is a substitute for _______. When did I learn to use food this way?”

 Food isn’t really a substitute for me, it’s more of a symbol. Everytime I hung out with friends in college, every happy memory I have of my family, every celebration for my whole life has always had food involved. So I suppose I, like a lot of people, equate it with happiness. In addition, when I was a child, food was the enemy; I was very sick for the first seven years of my life, and every time I ate, it made me ill. Tossing cookies ill. Plus, I had asthma, so vigorous exercise wasn’t really an option. Then, when I was seven years old, my parents had my tonsils removed and everything changed. I wasn’t sick anymore, I could eat and not throw up! I still had asthma though, so still couldn’t get too worked up. You do the math.

Day 2: My Neglected Body “If I just listened, what would my body say to me?”

Stomach: “Stop feeding me shit!”

Heart: “Bet you wanted blood, didn’t you?”

Bones, Joints, and Muscles: (in unison) “Hell no, we won’t go! Hell no, we won’t go!”

Hair: “Get some highlights, woman.”

 Day 3: My Future “What will my life be like in a year if I don’t change my eating and exercise habits? What will I look like in five years?”

If I continued on in the way I was eating and exercising a month ago, in one year I probably would have gained around 30 pounds. My blood pressure would be worse, I’d have to buy bigger clothes, I’d be even more unattractive, which would make me more depressed. In five years, I would be unrecognizable. I’d look like the Numa Numa kid.

However, if I continue doing what I’m doing now (eating healthy, limiting portions, getting an hour of exercise 4-5 days a week, and maintaining a positive attitude towards my health, fitness, and weight) one year from now, I’ll be at my goal weight, I’ll look damn hot, I’ll be healthy and feel great about myself. This, in addition to financial arrangements that I’ve set up that mean I’ll be debt-free in one year, will make life just damn near worth living. 

Day 4: My Motivation “What are the five main reasons I want to manage my weight?”

1. My health. I’m perfectly healthy right now, but in 5-10 years the extra weight is going to start causing problems as I get older. Plus, it will be harder to lose as I get older. The time is now.

2. To feel better about myself. I’m tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I’m tired of wearing jeans and t-shirts because nothing else fits me or because getting dressed up with hair and makeup done won’t make a difference. I want to feel great and to think I look great for once.

3. To lower my risk of heart disease, diabetes, etc etc. I’ve seen what that can do to people. Not for me, thanks.

4. To be able to keep up with my nephew. Nothing makes him happier than for me to play baseball or football with him, or to ride bicycles with him, but my stamina is lacking. I want to outrun him someday.

5. Because I can’t afford to buy bigger clothes. As I shrink, I can wear my old clothes, hand-me-downs from people smaller than me, *and* my mother tends to buy me clothes when I lose weight.

Honorable mention: To make people jealous. Come on, now who *doesn’t* dream of running into her ex looking slim and trim and fabulous and watching him kick his own ass for ever having let her go? 

Day 5: My Priorities “What will it take for me to make healthy eating a priority?”

First, easy access to healthy food. I’ve found in the past month that I’ll eat what’s available to me. If I spend a whole day at my parents’ house and there’s nothing but high-fat food lying around, I’ll eat it and justify it by saying “Well, I had to eat something, and this is all there was.” But, if I have access to healthy food, I’ve become confident enough in myself to know to that I’ll choose it instead of the bad stuff.

Second, the budget to eat healthy food. Currently I’m existing mainly on tuna and Lean Cuisine, because they’re dirt cheap, plus Kroger gives me coupons for more everytime I buy them. As I get bills paid off and get back on my feet after taking it up the butt to pay off a major credit card in three months, I’ll be able to do this.

Third, the motivation, time, and resources to start cooking at home more often. I think this will get easier when I move into a place with a kitchen that’s not three feet wide. I’m doing better already, but I’ll actually skip dinner if I’ll have to wash a sinkful of dishes just to be able to cook. 

 Day 6: My Self-Sabotage “How do I sabotage my efforts to eat healthy and exercise? How can I change that?”

I give myself excuses, like the one mentioned above. Going out for a team lunch means “Well, it’s a special occasion.” If I don’t have anyone to exercise with, I rarely go. When I was Jazzercising, I would intentionally bury myself in work towards the end of the day so I would have to stay later to get it finished, therefore missing my 5:30 class.

The first step I took to change this is to start looking at team lunches and special occasions in terms of money and company rather than food. If something bad for me costs more than something good for me, I’ll err on the side of budget and just focus on spending time with the people at the table. Secondly, I stopped doing Jazzercise because I realized I did not enjoy it. I hated every minute of it. Loved the way it made me feel afterwards, but I was miserable and self-conscious during the entire hour. Instead, I started doing something I love - swimming. And with a friend, too! I love swimming so much that I could even do it alone if I had to. On days I don’t swim, I try to play tennis with another friend. I find exercise much more enjoyable in the guise of competitive sports. On weekends, I look forward to running around the yard with my nephew and riding our bikes down to the river to skip rocks. All very much more enjoyable than feeling sweat roll down my buttcrack to the soothing sounds of Christina Aguilera while skinny bitches in leotards bounce around in front of me. 

Day 7: My Balance Patterns “What happens to my mind score on days where I eat healthy and exercise?”

First of all, I don’t know what a mind score is. I must have overlooked that part of the reading. But, I’d say logically, that whatever it is, it goes up.

On days when I stay within my Weight Watchers Points, drink 64 ounces of water, go home and make a healthy dinner, then swim for an hour, I feel in control of my life. I feel healthy, grown-up, full of energy and optimistic.

On days when something triggers stress or loneliness or depression, I find it harder to stay within my Points, I have no motivation to exercise, and all I want in the world is a Big Mac. And when I get it and devour it, it tastes sssooooooooo good. But afterwards, I feel even worse than when I began. To counteract this, I’ve implemented a rule: I can only have McDonald’s once every nine weeks. Because there are nine letters in the name. I think this week I’m on D, but I don’t know. I’ve already forgotten about it and don’t crave it at all.

So there I have it. My entire attitude toward living, laid out for all to see. All in all, I won’t say this exercise has led me to see or do anything I wasn’t before, but there is something about seeing it in words I suppose. Now I want my money back for all those Jazzercise classes.

Corporate America

I love working in an industry where the level of one’s importance is directly determined by how loudly one’s shiny high heels click against the marble floor.

Into the woods. . .

Into the woods,
It’s time to go,
I hate to leave,
I have to, though.
Into the woods-
It’s time, and so
I must begin my journey.

The way is clear,
The light is good,
I have no fear,
Nor no one should.
The woods are just trees,
The trees are just wood.

Into the woods
And down the dell,
The path is straight,
I know it well.
Into the woods,
And who can tell
What’s waiting on the journey?

None of us are as dumb as all of us

I just got out of a meeting where we talked about another meeting that happens to be ABOUT yet another meeting.

Stay with me here. . .

1. Last Friday, we had an offsite, all-day-long meeting
2. This coming Monday, we have a meeting to talk about the Friday meeting, which I’ve been assigned to facilitate
3. Today, we had a meeting to talk about what we’re going to talk about at the Monday meeting

The worst part is, *I* *SCHEDULED* *THIS* *MEETING.*

My boss informed me today that I would be part of a team assigned to facilitate discussion about the offsite meeting at our staff meeting on Monday. So I called a meeting with the other facilitators to discuss how we’re going to facilitate it.

Halfway through this meeting, it occured to me what I had done. I called a meeting to talk about a meeting where we’ll discuss another meeting.

What has happened to my life? Somewhere along the line, have I really bought into all this corporate broohaha?

The corporate concrete around my feet just got a little more dry.

Crossing Bridges

I miss crossing the river every day. Sunrise on the Ohio always reminded me of why I loved living in a river town.

Work is frustrating lately. It’s becoming tedious and mind-numbing and horrifically repititious, and my boss hates me.

October is gone. I feel like I’ve lost a friend. Maybe I have.

I was looking at my finances last night, trying to figure out how I’m going to pay all the people who want money from me, and thinking that if I had a soul, I would sell it on eBay to pay all these people and get them off my back. Instead I broke down in tears and prayed, begging God just to show me that everything was going to be okay. “Just show me I will be okay, and I will stop worrying.” Bargaining. The third stage of death. But if He would just do something to show that He would get me through this, I could let all that worry abate.

So I went to bed.

I dreamed I was homeless. It was Thanksgiving and I was eating soggy stuffing and turkey from a styrofoam bowl at the Wayside Mission. Doesn’t bode well for my future.

I’m lonely all the time. Speaking of God, I have lost so much ground in my spiritual development. I have lost my touchstone. I think he believes now what I’ve known inherently all along - that I’m a lost cause. If he can’t believe in me, I have no hope of getting where I wanted to go. I thought it would be easier, in some ways, on my own, but I feel, absurdly so, abandoned. As long as I could talk to him about it, I was energized, enthusiastic, and whole-heartedly devoted to finding the way. Now I feel a little like Alice in Wonderland - “I suppose when you’re lost, the best thing to do is to stay in one place until someone finds you.” But who’s going to come find me this time?

I miss him, more than I ever thought I could.

Quick Update

I have no internet access. Currently pilfering from my parents. Random update:

Money: None
Job: Better
New Apartment: Tiny, but livable
Fancy: Beautiful, wonderful
Jenn: Fucking love Jenn
Lori: Fucking love Lori
Romance: Up and down. I had seven - count ‘em - seven guys contact me last night for some poon, and I told them all to fuck off. Tired of being an irresistible sex object; I want something more permanent. That being said, I completely blew it with one of the most awesome guys I’ve ever met. I’m stupid.
Random insight: It amazes me how quickly we become scripted, and how long those scripts last. Driving home from work one day, I realized that I wasn’t really thinking about how to get to my new apartment anymore. I had only lived there a week, and already had the exact route ingrained in my head. And yet still, I can get to my parents’ house without thinking, and all kinds of obscure places from my past. Wow.
October: October is my favorite month. Had I more money, I would be going to haunted houses, hayrides, making cookies and buying trick-or-treater candy. Were it warmer, I would be going to the park, watching the leaves turn and fall, taking pictures. But I don’t, and it’s not. What a dissatisfying October.

But how I hate to see October go. . .

On why I don’t spend time with co-workers outside the office

It’s funny. You think you know a guy. You work with someone for nine hours a day, you form an opinion, you call them a friend, and then you find out that the person he really is has been cleverly disguised under layers of false pretension.

“Trust no one.” I’ve said it for years. I just always thought there were exceptions to that rule, like all others. I guess there aren’t.