Awesome things that have happened recently:
5. I fell in love with salsa dancing.
4. He called me “sexy.”
3. I found out that taking my thyroid medicine really does help.
2. I put together the coolest costume ever on $10 and some ingenuity.
1. I told the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen that he’s the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen.
I was in an emotional state darker than normal this afternoon. I’m clinging desperately to the idea of the only person who brings any real joy into my life even though I can’t be near him, I’m trying to hold myself together for at least eight hours a day so I can maintain a job I’ve lost all enthusiasm for, and 24 hours a day, I crave sleep and solitude. I was so relieved when 5:30 came and I could hit the door and head for home, to be alone and sort things out, just *wallow* in the torment, and sleep. I was disappointed but cautiously positive when a friend called and said that she, too, was in a very dark state of mind and didn’t want to be alone. So I wound up with company.
I have one thing in particular in common with this friend that really connects us. In addition to having known each other for nearly 15 years, we both have a way of finding ourselves in rather interesting romantic situations. It’s nice to know I’m not a freak every once in a while.
She has twenty years on me, but this woman can party me under a table. She has this voodoo, Jedi mind thing that she works and you soon find yourself out at a salsa club on a weekday, your butt beginning to sweat against the faux leather sofa while she plows through a dance card a mile long.
I was miserable. I stared into space. I played with my phone. Then I began to look around.
The lead singer of the Latin band was the most beautiful man I have ever seen. Flawless and talented. The dancers were uninhibited and sensual. The music was infectious. The patronage weren’t lewd or suggestive, or young college punks out to a meat market. They were dignified and respectful.
I felt my spirits lift, then soar. I got lost in awe while watching the band and the time passed quickly. During a set break, I made my way to the bar, where a tall, dark, beautiful, and utterly charming gentleman bought me a drink and we began to chat.
He seemed genuinely interested, he asked questions about my background, my family, my current pursuits and interests. I responded on autopilot, not really thinking that being a graduate student or holding a corporate job or expounding on how much I love my family were tidbits that one would find all that interesting. Then he quoted relevant (and surprisingly, accurate) statistics about my demographic and told me that I was way ahead of the curve and had a lot to be proud of. And he told me that I was “wife material.”
It silenced me.
I’ve rarely been rendered speechless.
I thought he may be right. I’ve never seen in myself the woman he saw. I still feel like a girl in a lot of ways. But not that someone has shown me that woman, and treated her with respect, I can start to pull her out more often. I’m fond of her.
I may not be out of the woods; I may still be in that cold, dark place tomorrow when I wake up. But now I have the strength to fake it until I make it.
He said that my aura changed, just after. And i could feel it too. I was happy, distracted, content, comfortable. I wondered what my aura would have looked liked if I had actually cared about him. Turns out that sleeping with arms around me wasn’t all I had hoped it would be.
But it will do for now.
Highlights of my day (in chronological order)
1. Slept in until 11:00 am. Sweet baby Jesus, thank you.
2. Took the world’s most amazing, relaxing, unnerving shower.
3. Met amazing, handsome, humble, and most of all, available fellow.
4. Hot glued about 1,000 strands of yarn onto and old lady pumpkin.
5. Tasty shrimp for late lunch.
6. Little bit of blackjack
7. Dean kissed a girl on Supernatural. Hormones raged.
8. Discovered tasty, tasty new brand of tequila.
9. Cuddle with precious little itty bitty kitty.
10. Sweet, sweet sleep (pending).
Things to look forward to tomorrow:
1. Sleeping in until 11:00.
2. Clean apartment and replenished supply of laundry.
3. Cuddling with itty bitty kitty.
4. Inviting amazing, handsome, humble, available fellow to. . .
5. All-you-can-eat crab leg and seafood buffet dinner at the boat.
6. Little bit of blackjack.
7. Tasty tequila, hopefully with. . .
8. Amazing, handsome, humble, available fellow.
Life ain’t always beautiful. But it has been lately.
I hope it was you who sent in this PostSecret.
Mostly because of the usage of past tense.
I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods;
In envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;
Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth:
Nor any want-begotten rest.
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘T is better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.
From an article on Yahoo.
Are You About to Be Jilted?
Last night, the only thing I wanted out of life was to fall asleep with someone’s arms around me.
This morning, the only thing I want is a clean apartment.
I am out of tequila! This is bad!
Would I *really* get dressed, leave the apartment and drive one minute to the liquor store to buy more Pepe Lopez?
Nah. Yesterday I would have. But not tonight. I’ll pick some up tomorrow.
I’m driving myself crazy. I can’t *imagine* the effect I’m having on those around me.
First, I’ve been mad at one person, off and on, but generally consistent. And I. Don’t. Know. Why. No effing clue. No clear, discernible reason. So I cling to the only thing I can – constant unavailability. Which is not this person’s fault. All of this perfectly reasonable, understandable stuff. And while I can’t help but feel even the tiniest bit justified, I know I’m being completely unreasonable and petty. But I can’t seem to hold back. So I unleash whatever stagnant fury I’ve built up inside and this person takes it – infuriatingly indifferent to its intended effects. Then I realize I’m being a crazy person, but can’t figure out how to reconcile that understanding with the fact that *something* is bothering me, and dammit, I deserve for it to be addressed. Only I don’t know how to do that, because I don’t know what it is. So I apologize. *I* apologize. Not for feeling the way I’m feeling, but for lashing out against this person because of it. Which is okay, I guess. In the end I realize that I’m not mad at this person at all, which only makes me mad at MYSELF for lacking resolve. What particular brand of crazy is that? It must be new and there must have been a sale, because I’m apparently all stocked up.
I hear people getting bored with me. Doesn’t matter that I’m bored with my job, doesn’t matter that I’m hating school, doesn’t matter that I’m about to tear my skin off. I don’t even care anymore, so I know nobody else does. I’ve entered semi-isolation just to try to spare some of those around me (others, like above, aren’t so lucky… sorry… I’ll make a mental note that you got to bear the brunt of this and move your name to the top of the “Please Spare the Following People…” list next time).
I know at the root cause of a lot of this is WHIJ, and I’m dealing with that. Maybe when I can start to figure that out I can let go of some of this.
But I think I also get antsy if the pot isn’t stirred up every few years or so. Coming up on three years in current job, according to the studies, it’s typical for my generation to want to move on by now. I – and the majority of my peers – haven’t held a job longer than 5 years since college. I think what’s frustrating me on that front is that I don’t know what I want to move toward. I’d love to chase my dream but now there’s the student loan, the growing 401(k), the benefits and tuition reimbursement and flexible scheduling. All working to dry up that corporate concrete around my feet.
And as if it were bad enough, we’re apparently living in the end times. People losing homes. Gas is more than four times what it was when I started driving. But is still cheaper than milk! You can drive, but you can’t eat! I read a meme that says “In Soviet America, banks borrow money from you.” The Dow plunges farther than it ever has. EVER. Not since 1929 – EVER. But of course it bounces back. As America will. As I will.
Two days ago I spoke of finding the good in even the crappiest of times. So here.
I still believe America is the greatest country on the planet. I still believe we’ll win whatever conceptual war we’re fighting wherever today. And even our bad days aren’t that bad.
I still love the people in my life, even when I’m mad. I did note today that, while *I* may understand that, the other person may not. When I’m upset or while I’m tongue-lashing or criticizing the people I love, I keep in the back of my mind that I can let them know how I feel because I love them. I count on that fact to remind me that no matter what, no matter how bad I feel or no matter what I say or they say, I want them in my life and that the love I have for them is stronger than the anger I feel right now. But I don’t think they know that sometimes, and I never seem to take into account that they may not feel the same way. I should tell these people more often that I love them. I used to do that.
I have some time off tomorrow. Maybe I’ll use some of that to get to the bottom of what’s going on and get the old Green back. I think we all liked her a little better.
I have a friend at work. Actually, one of my better friends. My work husband. He’s wonderful, and if he wasn’t married, he’d be everything I’d ever want in a man. Despite being only two years older than me, he is – as I find often to be the case – infinitely wiser and more insightful than I am. Sometimes just having one conversation with him puts my entire life into a new perspective.
Today we chose an atypical lunch rendezvous a little off the beaten path, not very populated when we arrived at our signature-early hour of 11:00. As is usual when there are few ears about, the conversation soon turned serious after some belly-shaking laughs and harmless jokes.
A friend of his lost his job today. Two months ago, this friend and his wife bought a house. Their son was sick earlier this year with e. coli and was in the hospital for nearly three months. Their marriage is in a very rocky place. My friend and I discussed how horrible it must be and how we felt for them. Then we realized that, for the past few weeks, we’ve done nothing but complain about how horrible our lives are. How much we’re sick of our jobs, how we despise being adults, how nothing ever goes right. Suddenly the mood turned very somber and humble. So we began thinking of the good things to come out of even the lowest parts of the past few weeks.
I told him about the tree I discovered at Cave Hill and how it made me realize how tiny and insignificant I am here in this life. He spoke of a run-in he had with an ex-girlfriend who looks amazing but has nothing whatsoever to offer and only made his (wonderful! I love her!) wife even more appealing after so many years of marriage. I spoke of a particularly painful relationship and how it has made me stop and think about what I really want in a partner and has helped me set some realistic expectations of what that should look like and how I should feel about that person when he comes along. How it’s made me grow up gradually until, here and now, I find myself ready to do the right thing, at peace with that decision.
And I thought – but did not speak – of What Happened In July. Maybe there are events that mark milestones on our roads to maturity. Growing up seems to be a slow and steady process, and I could see that evolution taking place over the years and fought it kicking and screaming. But I think we all have things that happen, and after which we are never quite the same, for better or worse. As painful as it was, I’ve struggled to find peace with it. I think the only way to move past it is to look at how I’ve changed and work towards embracing that. That’s the struggle – to give it meaning, not to get over it.
In the end, we decided that life is a zero-sum game in a zero-sum world. You must harbor some evil to find the good in yourself. There must be beauty to offset chaos. There are equal parts day and night. Maybe the trick to getting through the bad times is finding the part that balances them out. If you can do it, you may never get ahead for very long, but you also never hit rock bottom.
There are very few people in this world I like, a couple I respect, and even fewer who I revere. I hold nothing short of reverence for him. He gives me back the world when I think I’ve lost it.
